Judgment Day........

As I stand before the judge knees shaking and heart pounding with my attorney at my side he hands down the judgment.....He begins to speak, " Is your name Tamara Cline " yes sir " How do you plea" guilty... Then as the DA began reviewing my case out loud and telling everyone in the court room of the crime I had committed, I held my head in shame. It wasn't enough that I was dressed in orange with handcuffs and leg shackles on. But it was okay because I had been forgiven. But I had to pay for my mistakes. I knew I could be facing hard time for this so I just began to pray, Lord, your will be done..... The judge ask the DA, Has she ever been in trouble? He said no. And how long has she served? He said 40 days. Well, here's what we are going to do... The plea bargain is this... 12 months supervised probation, drug counseling and credit for time served. Once the probation is complete all charges will be dropped. I looked at my attorney, Is he serious? The judge ask me, Do you accept the plea? I said yes sir I do.
My attorney told me that day that he has never heard a plea like that. He couldn't believe it either. I told him that God orchestrated this whole thing.
I was beside myself. I was overjoyed but I was scared. I had been in there for 40 days. I was told every step to make. I had built a close relationship with these girls. People are so different in that setting. We are all on the same playing field, no judgment, no I am better that you are innuendos. We are all equal. In the eyes of God this is true also but people on the outside are totally different. How was my family going to react? Could I walk back into my church? Were my friends going to accept me? How was my husband going to treat me because I was a totally different person. Not the person I was when I went in there. I had many mixed feelings and to be honest it would have been easier to stay in there.
As I walked the long hall to freedom it was bittersweet........

Lockup.............

As we waited on our court dates to arrive, which by the way is the number one topic of the day. I call my husband that night for the short 10 minute call that I was allowed. My court date was April 17, 2013 and he said to me, " I talked to your lawyer and we have to give him $5000 to retain him to take the case" Well, hello if I had $5000 I would not be in there! So at that point I had no attorney to represent me and I knew I was going to be in there for a minute.... The process of changing attorneys were very long . You have to go before a judge for one and my April 17th date was coming up. I wanted to get a bond reduction at that court date not start over with a court appointed attorney because I wanted out of there.
The days went on and I began to pray over all these issues. As a matter of fact cell E15 became my prayer closet where I talked to God a lot. As I began my relationship with God, I talked to others about God a lot.. Many of the girls would just sit around me and ask me questions so curious about God and what he had to offer. I was so encouraged when my bunkmate gave her soul to Christ and many to follow. I knew that God put me there for a reason and I was willing to sacrifice this for him. I didn't care how long I had to stay if my work was not complete there. I prayed everyday that God send me a godly lawyer someone with compassion.
I want to jump a little to my husband for a minute. My sweet husband was dying inside without me there. He was having a difficult time. Nobody to communicate with he just felt so alone. It was tearing me up inside at what this was doing to him. We had very little contact. We could talk on the phone some 10 minutes at a time and visitation on Sunday for 15 minutes. And every time he came which was every Sunday all he could do was cry and I would try to encourage him..But he wanted his wife home. And yes...he considered leaving me for this but Pastor Nathan talked to him a lot and told him. This is not just her mess this is both of you. The vow you took in marriage, better or worse... I thank God for him because he saved our marriage.
The time was drawing near for my court date with no attorney and I was not looking forward to it.
That morning I woke up early ( earlier that 6am when they make you get up) and began to pray..Lord, whatever your will is for me today it will be done..I know you have a plan and I want to be obedient to you........
April 17th 9am- All of your court dates have been moved to Superior court........... Oh my goodness I couldn't go to Superior court without an attorney! What was I going to do? Trust me...Trust me.
OK God I trust you but my husband is dying inside he needs me. So whatever you have planned will you speed it up.  In his time..in his time.
Superior court is hard to get on the docket because they only schedule court the first of each month. If you do not make the docket for that month then you move to the next month... I am thinking months!!!! So since I did not have an attorney, I wrote a letter to the clerk of court and requested to be put on the docket as soon as possible since I was incarcerated. The month of May rolled around and my name was on the docket! I could couldn't believe it! Some people have been waiting in there 6 months awaiting on a Superior court date. Now I need a attorney and bad. I started petioning God about this..Lord, I know you are able I put my trust in you Lord...Have your will in my life...
That following Wednesday night my husband received a call from an upstanding lawyer in Lincolnton, a godly man and told him, I will take her case at no charge!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My God is able!! I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders.
May 8, 2013 I appeared in court............

The Book............

As we sit at the tables in the dayroom, I took a seat at the end of the table with no one else around. I noticed a book laying on the table so I began to pick it up. It had an unusual cover and I thought, "well, what is this?" It was a bible.. I am thinking to myself, How did a bible get in here, because the previous day my husband tried to bring my bible and they would not allow me to have it. So, I guess it was divine intervention. As I picked up that bible and started to read, something was happening to my heart. The fear and the loneliness was started to slowly disappear. Now I hadn't read my bible in many years but I do remember my mother-in-law telling me I needed to read Psalms.So that evening I read the entire chapter of Psalms then started in Proverbs. When we returned to our cell's that night, I began to pray....Lord, I know I have not called on you lately and I'm sorry. You know the situation that I am facing right now but Lord, I know you have always been there, I was the one that left you so I pray right now that you give me some encouragement to be able to do what I have to do. I know that I done something wrong and I am willing to pay for that. Lord, I need you! I went to sleep that night feeling somewhat hopeful that everything was going to be okay. Then that morning I was awakened abruptly with a bright light so bright that I could not see beyond it. I thought the guards were shining a spotlight in my eyes.....The message I got was....I will never leave or forsake you, just trust me..trust me!.....
Wow! I had never experienced God in that form before. It was powerful. At that point on Sunday, March 30, 2013 Easter Sunday my life was changed in that jail cell.. where I was broken, hopeless. I was then on a mission to tell others about this experience I had with God...I knew this was probably not the place or the time, but it had to happen one way or the other.
That Easter Sunday was magical, they do have church services on Sunday where different churches come in and share. I was like a sponge, I wanted any information that I could get. I was encouraged by the attendance that these girls were to. So I began to become burdened about these girls, not me because I knew in my heart that I was going to be fine. Then the challenge started for me to spread the news of my God to these broken girls.

The Long Mile........

As they lined us up and took us to video arraignment that's like going to court for your first appearance except you do it at the jail via video. When I sat down before the judge my heart was racing. He began by reading my charges and then telling me this crime is punishable by 23 years in prison. My heart sank!! What have I done? Then he went on to say Do you want a court appointed attorney or will you find your own counsel. With me just getting into trouble the month before, I had a lawyer so I waived my rights to court appointed attorney. Which was crazy on my part because I had no way to pay an attorney. But again, I wasn't thinking clearly. I was sick inside...
They led us to a room that was open in the middle and on the right side was 8 cell's downstairs and 8 cell's upstairs. We were all carrying all our worldly belongings in a small bin.....sheets, blanket, towel, washcloth, 1 roll toilet paper, small bar of white soap, 2 pieces of paper and a short pencil. And if you notice no pillow because they can be a potential threat to you. I am thinking to myself " 23 years!!!! I am going to have to be here in the block for 23 years!!! I just began to cry..That's all I could do. As they led us to our cell's they took me upstairs and placed me in a cell. E15.. I will never forget that. My bunkmate had been there for over a year so she did know the ropes. But I was scared out of my mind. I look around and all I saw was a single bed bottom and top bunk and a sink and a toilet out in the open..I was not going to survive in here. This place is awful!! So as I familiarized myself with the surroundings and made my bed I ask her, "what do we do now?" She said, nothing.." I said how long do we stay in this small cell? She said, " we are on lockdown for 24 hours then we can go to the dayroom for 4 hours to get out and stretch your legs and take a shower". Oh my goodness what in the world will I do! No TV, no computer, no phone, no nothing.. There was a small stack of books that we could read but I didn't read either..
                It was time to come out of our cell's and I didn't really know how I felt about that either because I was going to be around all these other people that was there. So as I walk downstairs it was like at a football game, people were yelling, saying words I have never heard before and just, well being loud! I am thinking this is what I have to live for?  I was hopeless and broken..No friends, no family and nobody. I was on a long road of destruction and then...............

And then there was reality

The magistrate begin reading my charges and then he got to the bond amount. $50,000 SECURED bond......
Silence in the room..For those of you that understand how this works that means $5000 to get me out. We didn't have that. But I thought to myself, my husband will figure out how to get me out. Come to find out they had done a drug roundup that morning, called "Operation Rockbottom" and 28 people was charged and arrested. That's why all our bonds were so outrageously high. To prove a point.
I was shuttled over to the jail with the others and the booking process began. At this point I was terrified. Thinking what am I gonna do? They placed us all in a holding cell one for guys and one for girls as I looked around I thought you are kidding me. In that room there was a wood bench that ran along one side of the wall. Now bear in mind, this was a small room probably would hold 6 people and right in the middle of the room was a small stainless steal sink and a toilet. Then there was the heavy steel door that slammed behind us with that loud lock when they slammed it. Totally cut off from the outside. I begin thinking in my mind " I am not gonna survive in here I have heard nightmares about jail. Surely, my husband is not going to leave me here" We had been married for 4 years and we were never apart.
As they begin to call us one by one people were leaving and coming back in the jail issued clothing. The awful orange color. I was sick to think about this. They called my name, Cline!! because you sure didn't get any respect there. We were criminals. As I approached the stern woman at the desk she began to ask me a series of questions. Like medications I take and if I wanted to hurt myself. Well anybody in there right mind wanted to hurt them self at that moment but I responded 'no'... Then I got to do the photo shoot then fingerprinted. Then I was allowed my free phone call.....I thought good finally get to talk to my husband...The phone rang forever and he finally answered I said, "baby, when are you coming to get me" he said...I'm not..."what you can't leave me here this is a terrible place!!" He said, we'll you should have thought about that before you did what you did..you know that I cannot get you out that's $5000 dollars. I said call your family call my family call anyone just please GET ME OUT.... He said sadly, you have burned all your bridges with all of them and they are not going to help you.. Those words burned deep in my soul.. Then the phone went dead the phone time was over.. I went back to the holding cell in tears...Sobbing forcefully until I could no longer breath. I was there by myself in this terrible place and I was left on my own to survive the best way I knew how............  

OPEN THE DOOR OR WE ARE GONNA KNOCK IT DOWN

March 28,2013 at 6am we heard a loud boom at the door. It sounded like someone was kicking the door in. To give you an example...It woke up all the neighbors in the apartment complex. My husband runs downstairs putting clothes on with every step and as he opens the door..You guessed it police officers surrounded the premises.My  husband not knowing what was going on he said, "Can I help you" They said, We have a warrant for arrest for Tamara Cline, is she here? A warrant? What do you mean a warrant? The officer explained to my husband that the warrant was for obtaining a prescription by forgery.....My husband just dropped his head and said , Oh no not again. You can image his disbelief. He comes running back up the stairs and said,"baby,get up the police are down here with a warrant for your arrest. My heart sank....Now the promise I made to him that I would never do anything so stupid again was true..But these charges were for when I called in the scripts in December and January and never got caught. Well at the time I didn't get caught. So here is a valuable lesson I can teach you. It ALWAYS come back to bite you. Always
                     I was physically sick, I was so scared, I knew that this was gonna be bad cause the month before I had just got caught doing the same thing.. So I did manage to get up and get dressed with the officers standing in my living room and as I approached the door the handcuffs were slapped on! And again I said, " Do we have to have these" they said yes you are under arrest. Those words burned deep in my soul. Me thinking, thank God it is early maybe the neighbors won't know. Again, NOT...... I walked out my front door not only was the parking lot full of officers.The news media, camera man from the paper and ALL my neighbors standing out on the front of their porches...Oh my God is this in itself not degrading enough to be in this situation but have this circus of people to witness this! My husband asked the officer, Can she ride with me I will take her to the court house. Of course they didn't let him but I think they protected me from him cause if he had got a chance, he would have wrung my neck.
                  It all happened so fast they would not let my husband have any contact with me once I was in custody. He had no idea what was going on. We had never experienced this before. I went before the magistrate at the court house and I was given my bond. Me still oblivious to all this....thinking I will go in and get my bond, court date etc. and go back home.. Again not happening this time. What I heard come out of the magistrates mouth almost sent me to the floor............. 

You have the right to remain silent........

"Can I see your ID mam" Me digging into my wallet to retrieve me ID and pulled out my debit card. " I don't need your debit card, I need your ID" I was visibly shaking at this point.. So I finally managed to get my ID and I ask....What is the problem officer. (Like I didn't know) "There seems to be a problem with the prescription you are picking up. Can you pull around to the back of the buildings at, and get out of your car. I can't get out of my car, I am not dressed! I have my tank top, PJ's and bedroom shoes on. Can't we just take care of this here? Me still oblivious to what is happening. Well, as he escorts me into the store he says to me...If there is something you need to tell me you better tell me now. Sir, I don't know what you are talking about..Crap, I am in sooo much trouble. As we approach the pharmacy counter the pharmacist comes to the window with the prescription in hand. " Here is the prescription and here is the tape with her voice on it" Oh my...I am really busted!! The officer was nice enough not to handcuff me in the store. But when we reached the back of the store the handcuffs were on... I said why are you handcuffing me? Because you are under arrest! What? Why? Still oblivious to the situation. I said to him, Will you please call me husband and let him know? So he was nice enough to do that. My husband was livid..He was in disbelief. So all the way to the court house I was trying to come up with my story.
When my husband arrived saw me in handcuffs in my pajamas and bedroom shoes he was sooo mad, so hurt and so disappointed. All he could think of to do was call our Pastor Mike. DON'T call him. Why did you call him? I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Anyway my husband and I had a chance to talk and he told me" You better tell them the truth or you will go to jail" The officers had been talking to him the whole time. So I did make the decision to be honest and cooperative with them and they let me go home with my husband with an unsecured bond!
I ate crow for a couple weeks and promised to never do anything so stupid ever again. But the underlying truth was that I was still an addict and I needed help.
March 28, 2013 at 6am we heard a.....POW...POW...POW at the front door....

November 04,2012- Dear Tamara Cline,

Dear Tamara Cline,
This is to inform you that we are downsizing our practice and regretfully you are one of the many patients that we are dismissing. We will give you 2 weeks to find another doctor.....


            Oh my God!!! Are you kidding me? Panic, rapid breathing, cold sweats my heart was beating out of my chest. No other Dr was going to take me into there practice. For one I didn't have any health insurance. For two, they may not give me what I want! And I had NO refills left on any of my medication.. What was I gonna do? " Take a step back and breathe just breathe" And if anyone has ever been in the situation with addiction you know how devastating this was. I wasn't to the point where I would go to the street and buy but trust me I was seriously considering it. I had a bright idea! I know what I will call the prescription in to the pharmacy myself. Thinking I do this all the time being a nurse and the medication that I was needed was not a controlled narcotic so it will be fine they will never know! Was I out of my mind? I battled back and forth on this idea. Well the time come where I took my last dose and the bottles were empty....That same panic I felt again in my soul.
So, I called the pharmacy and left message on machine....This is -------------fake name I am calling from --------------practice that just dismissed me and I need Zanaflex 4mg 1 tab qid with no refills....and Ambien 10mg 1 qhs with no refills.........Easy enough then I went to pick it up. I was scared out of my mind...But I got the meds and went home. This was in December... So I thought I know this can't be this easy. So in January, the same scenario. Went picked it up no problem.. I thought I can do this...Well February came and I thought, I better change this up a bit.. So I hit a different pharmacy....same scenario same medication. This time I drove up to the window and told them who I was and I was there to pick up meds.... It was taking along time... Actually sitting here telling this the same feelings are coming back. Like a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked up in my rearview mirror and blue lights appeared. Oh my gosh they called the police. The officer came up to my window and said..."Can I see your ID"....................

Why is this happening to me?

Can this really be happening to me? Here we are just barley making it with both of us working... We are going to loose our house and car! I know, I will just get through the 4 weeks of recovery then I can go back to work. Surely we can survive 4 weeks!

At Dr for my 4 weeks checkup.. " Dr. I have to go back to work"even though I couldn't even lift my arm, I was determined. " No mam I don't think you are. Now you can began physical therapy and you are now allowed to lift a gallon of milk. Are you kidding me right now? So needless to say my recovery was about 6 months long!!
      I went into a deep depression. Sleeping more than ever, not bathing, combing my hair and any housework was out of the question. My poor husband was left with everything!!!
And to be honest, I really didn't care. All I was worried with was when is my next Percocet due! Bare with me this is hard to see this in black and white......
             I was crying out for help but no one heard me. I was in major denial. I would go places I had to go...Not really even remembering that I was there. Hurry there and hurry back. I didn't want to talk be around anyone and I could really care less what people was thinking about me. I had nothing to live for. Or so it seemed. Really mad at God for letting all this happen to me. This all went on for about one year. Then I finally got a job. but my journey was still not over. I struggled in that job. Not my responsibilities has a nurse I could do that with my eyes closed. The fact that my addiction was making me physically sick. Soon after I started that job, I went into renal failure and was facing dialysis.. One of the medications that I was on for my migraines was causing my renal function to fail. But only me and only me knew the truth. I was taking 4x the amount that I was prescribed. I really didn't think I was addicted to it because it was not a narcotic but now I know different.
If it wasn't for people at my church praying, my family and my dear husband praying, my life would have taken a different direction. They finally got my levels down and I was discharged...But the very next day when I was at home I took the medication again!! Did I not learn my lesson? What was I thinking? I was fighting a very hard addiction. I was desperate!!! But I would never have let anyone know this....Next couple of days I received a letter...............

A little about myself.......

I wanted to start off by giving you a little information about myself. I was raised in a Christian home. Both my parents were very involved in church and myself included. I was raised in the type of home that going to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday were no options. It was a small Baptist Church. I also was the pianist at the church from a very young age. My family also had a gospel singing quartet and were very well known in the community. So when I say I was raised in church I mean it was all I knew. I lived a very sheltered life from the outside with protective parents.  I was lucky to have had such loving and wonderful parents........All this was shattered when my parents got divorced. Divorced? Why, we had the perfect life. I never heard them argue? What were people going to say? Divorce was no option. Let me say that I was married at 22 by then and had a child at 24. I wanted so much to pattern my marriage after my parents but something was not coming together. I stayed in that verbally abusive marriage for 8 years..because I knew that divorce was not an option. But soon after my parents were separated I to became separated from my husband. I guess this kinda gave me permission to leave him since my dad did the same to my mom. Then I completely got out of church. I was mad at God for letting my happy, content family break apart. So things really got bad.
I quickly went into another marriage that was a rebound thing. Then I really got out into the world because he had never been in church. Well that marriage ended too. I was so frustrated and even more angry at God. I had been in church all my life. Every time the doors were opened. Heck, I even played the piano at church and sang a lot. What gives? I was on a mission for happiness but it was nowhere to be found. I pretty much had a mental breakdown at this point. I was put on so much medication that I could not function. And I was glad cause I didn't have to deal with life.I could no longer care for myself my mom and son were taking care of my basic necessities. Yes I was a RN and I could function as so...but it was very hard. I was out of work a lot. Then I was plagued with migraines. So bad that I could not function any longer. Spent all my time in the hospital because they were so bad. Another reason for Dr to give me medications that made me just want to sleep.
In August 2006 I met my husband now, Robby. I finally saw a ray of sunlight maybe. He was a breath of fresh air. He was in the medical field so we did have a lot in common. I still in my same habits of sleeping a lot cause I just couldn't deal. But for reasons unknown to me at the time, he stuck by me and we were married in 2008. All I can say is God placed Robby in my life for unseen circumstances. Now back to the life changing events that started on December 24, 2011 

Beginning of my journey

My journey began on December 24, 2011 at a Christmas Eve celebration with my family. Well, let's say a disaster. We were all fixing our plates to eat with everyone talking laughing and just enjoying the night. There were various places to sit in the house and my family and I were at the bar in the den. Well if you know me well you know how graceful I am. As I climbed up on the bar stool because I am so short, I suddenly made a large hop onto the chair. The next thing I remember is that I was lying in the floor inside the barstool with the bar stool on top of me. Go ahead laugh because as I look back it was comical. Needless to say the meal was interrupted with one family member yelling to the top of her lungs " Robby, Robby, Robby " who is my husband and my son laughing hysterically besides me because he laughs when he get's nervous. As my husband made it over to me and pried the barstool from my body he started to assess the damages. I could not move my left shoulder at all. So I knew with being a nurse that it was most likely dislocated. So off to the hospital we went. Luckily they took me straight back. Me thinking they will just pop it back into place and I will be on my way. NOT..... It was broken badly and dislocated. When I do something I always do it right. This was the beginning of a very long recovery. I was absolutely helpless. My poor husband had to do everything for me. Thankfully my mom and son came and stayed with me to help him because he just could not do it all. Well because I decided to do this on a holiday, I had to wait 1 week until an orthopedic saw me and when he did I was scheduled for surgery the following week. And to surprise, if I only knew what was ahead of me I would have been petrified.......