Reborn.......1 year later

March 28,2014 .....

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV......For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

True meaning of forgiveness....

Let me say this...My life is still not all sunshine and roses. I still struggle daily with the thoughts of addiction or the desire of addiction. But through God's grace I am able to overcome. My husband and I are stronger than ever but we had to stop trying to do it our way and put God in the center of our life. We have less money than we have ever had but God is providing. I am more thankful for what I have then what I think I need to have. I am still in the process of mending relationships that I have damaged. But I wake up everyday thanking God for all his many blessings and to walk with me each day. I take one step at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. I don't know what God has planned for me but I am sure it is going to be awesome.
I challenge you today to get involved. If your church does not have a jail ministry, start one. Take bible's to the jail, visit an inmate. Send a card of encouragement. You can look on the computer and get a list of names. You would not believe what a difference this makes. It's the little things like this that mean so much. This could be a life or death situation. And for goodness sake don't judge until you have walked their journey. Be Christ like that is a commandment of God. And no matter where you are, let your life be a light to other's. Pray for people with addictions and that are broken. Invite them into your churches without judgment. This is the true meaning of forgiveness.

The Walk To Freedom........

As I walked down the long hall with the guard at my side, I approached the doors and I was given a last command. Don't let me see you in here again. My response was no worries I won't. I could see my husband standing outside then I begin to run to him. As he held me in his arms we both cried uncontrollably. I felt at peace there. I took a long breathe in and smelled the fresh air because it had been so long since I had been on the outside. It was a different feeling that I used to take for granted.
            When we arrived home he really didn't know how to take me because I was so different and so was he. He had no trust for me and I knew I had a lot of hard work to do.
That week was just getting to know each other again. Let me tell you, it was hard. I had different ways of doing things and different convictions. And in the back of my mind, I was so scared because I knew that if I was having these feelings around the one person that loved me unconditionally how was the rest of the world going to react?
I was released on Wednesday so we had a few days to ourselves until we had to face the real world and I was dreading it.
It was Mothers Day Sunday and we went to church. I didn't know how my church was going to react. I thought to myself well the worse thing that can happen is that they tell me to leave. As I walked into Covenant Bible Church the reaction was unexpected. An outpouring of love and support were exuded from my church family. No judgment was cast and they made me feel welcome. And this was so important to me because I wanted to walk my journey with Christ there. This is expletory standard for all church's to live by. It's not what you wear, what you have done, who you are ,sin is sin and that's the way God see's things.
The next step on my journey was to face my family. I knew that I had been a disappointment to them and an embarrassment. Your family seems to be your hardest critics.
We were having a Mother's Day gathering at my husband's families house and I was dreading it so bad. As I walked into the house, trying to hold my head up high from the pep talk my husband gave me. I walked into the door and my family was amazing. They hugged on me and told me they were proud of me and that they supported me in my walk to recovery. I was overjoyed......

Judgment Day........

As I stand before the judge knees shaking and heart pounding with my attorney at my side he hands down the judgment.....He begins to speak, " Is your name Tamara Cline " yes sir " How do you plea" guilty... Then as the DA began reviewing my case out loud and telling everyone in the court room of the crime I had committed, I held my head in shame. It wasn't enough that I was dressed in orange with handcuffs and leg shackles on. But it was okay because I had been forgiven. But I had to pay for my mistakes. I knew I could be facing hard time for this so I just began to pray, Lord, your will be done..... The judge ask the DA, Has she ever been in trouble? He said no. And how long has she served? He said 40 days. Well, here's what we are going to do... The plea bargain is this... 12 months supervised probation, drug counseling and credit for time served. Once the probation is complete all charges will be dropped. I looked at my attorney, Is he serious? The judge ask me, Do you accept the plea? I said yes sir I do.
My attorney told me that day that he has never heard a plea like that. He couldn't believe it either. I told him that God orchestrated this whole thing.
I was beside myself. I was overjoyed but I was scared. I had been in there for 40 days. I was told every step to make. I had built a close relationship with these girls. People are so different in that setting. We are all on the same playing field, no judgment, no I am better that you are innuendos. We are all equal. In the eyes of God this is true also but people on the outside are totally different. How was my family going to react? Could I walk back into my church? Were my friends going to accept me? How was my husband going to treat me because I was a totally different person. Not the person I was when I went in there. I had many mixed feelings and to be honest it would have been easier to stay in there.
As I walked the long hall to freedom it was bittersweet........

Lockup.............

As we waited on our court dates to arrive, which by the way is the number one topic of the day. I call my husband that night for the short 10 minute call that I was allowed. My court date was April 17, 2013 and he said to me, " I talked to your lawyer and we have to give him $5000 to retain him to take the case" Well, hello if I had $5000 I would not be in there! So at that point I had no attorney to represent me and I knew I was going to be in there for a minute.... The process of changing attorneys were very long . You have to go before a judge for one and my April 17th date was coming up. I wanted to get a bond reduction at that court date not start over with a court appointed attorney because I wanted out of there.
The days went on and I began to pray over all these issues. As a matter of fact cell E15 became my prayer closet where I talked to God a lot. As I began my relationship with God, I talked to others about God a lot.. Many of the girls would just sit around me and ask me questions so curious about God and what he had to offer. I was so encouraged when my bunkmate gave her soul to Christ and many to follow. I knew that God put me there for a reason and I was willing to sacrifice this for him. I didn't care how long I had to stay if my work was not complete there. I prayed everyday that God send me a godly lawyer someone with compassion.
I want to jump a little to my husband for a minute. My sweet husband was dying inside without me there. He was having a difficult time. Nobody to communicate with he just felt so alone. It was tearing me up inside at what this was doing to him. We had very little contact. We could talk on the phone some 10 minutes at a time and visitation on Sunday for 15 minutes. And every time he came which was every Sunday all he could do was cry and I would try to encourage him..But he wanted his wife home. And yes...he considered leaving me for this but Pastor Nathan talked to him a lot and told him. This is not just her mess this is both of you. The vow you took in marriage, better or worse... I thank God for him because he saved our marriage.
The time was drawing near for my court date with no attorney and I was not looking forward to it.
That morning I woke up early ( earlier that 6am when they make you get up) and began to pray..Lord, whatever your will is for me today it will be done..I know you have a plan and I want to be obedient to you........
April 17th 9am- All of your court dates have been moved to Superior court........... Oh my goodness I couldn't go to Superior court without an attorney! What was I going to do? Trust me...Trust me.
OK God I trust you but my husband is dying inside he needs me. So whatever you have planned will you speed it up.  In his time..in his time.
Superior court is hard to get on the docket because they only schedule court the first of each month. If you do not make the docket for that month then you move to the next month... I am thinking months!!!! So since I did not have an attorney, I wrote a letter to the clerk of court and requested to be put on the docket as soon as possible since I was incarcerated. The month of May rolled around and my name was on the docket! I could couldn't believe it! Some people have been waiting in there 6 months awaiting on a Superior court date. Now I need a attorney and bad. I started petioning God about this..Lord, I know you are able I put my trust in you Lord...Have your will in my life...
That following Wednesday night my husband received a call from an upstanding lawyer in Lincolnton, a godly man and told him, I will take her case at no charge!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My God is able!! I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders.
May 8, 2013 I appeared in court............

The Book............

As we sit at the tables in the dayroom, I took a seat at the end of the table with no one else around. I noticed a book laying on the table so I began to pick it up. It had an unusual cover and I thought, "well, what is this?" It was a bible.. I am thinking to myself, How did a bible get in here, because the previous day my husband tried to bring my bible and they would not allow me to have it. So, I guess it was divine intervention. As I picked up that bible and started to read, something was happening to my heart. The fear and the loneliness was started to slowly disappear. Now I hadn't read my bible in many years but I do remember my mother-in-law telling me I needed to read Psalms.So that evening I read the entire chapter of Psalms then started in Proverbs. When we returned to our cell's that night, I began to pray....Lord, I know I have not called on you lately and I'm sorry. You know the situation that I am facing right now but Lord, I know you have always been there, I was the one that left you so I pray right now that you give me some encouragement to be able to do what I have to do. I know that I done something wrong and I am willing to pay for that. Lord, I need you! I went to sleep that night feeling somewhat hopeful that everything was going to be okay. Then that morning I was awakened abruptly with a bright light so bright that I could not see beyond it. I thought the guards were shining a spotlight in my eyes.....The message I got was....I will never leave or forsake you, just trust me..trust me!.....
Wow! I had never experienced God in that form before. It was powerful. At that point on Sunday, March 30, 2013 Easter Sunday my life was changed in that jail cell.. where I was broken, hopeless. I was then on a mission to tell others about this experience I had with God...I knew this was probably not the place or the time, but it had to happen one way or the other.
That Easter Sunday was magical, they do have church services on Sunday where different churches come in and share. I was like a sponge, I wanted any information that I could get. I was encouraged by the attendance that these girls were to. So I began to become burdened about these girls, not me because I knew in my heart that I was going to be fine. Then the challenge started for me to spread the news of my God to these broken girls.

The Long Mile........

As they lined us up and took us to video arraignment that's like going to court for your first appearance except you do it at the jail via video. When I sat down before the judge my heart was racing. He began by reading my charges and then telling me this crime is punishable by 23 years in prison. My heart sank!! What have I done? Then he went on to say Do you want a court appointed attorney or will you find your own counsel. With me just getting into trouble the month before, I had a lawyer so I waived my rights to court appointed attorney. Which was crazy on my part because I had no way to pay an attorney. But again, I wasn't thinking clearly. I was sick inside...
They led us to a room that was open in the middle and on the right side was 8 cell's downstairs and 8 cell's upstairs. We were all carrying all our worldly belongings in a small bin.....sheets, blanket, towel, washcloth, 1 roll toilet paper, small bar of white soap, 2 pieces of paper and a short pencil. And if you notice no pillow because they can be a potential threat to you. I am thinking to myself " 23 years!!!! I am going to have to be here in the block for 23 years!!! I just began to cry..That's all I could do. As they led us to our cell's they took me upstairs and placed me in a cell. E15.. I will never forget that. My bunkmate had been there for over a year so she did know the ropes. But I was scared out of my mind. I look around and all I saw was a single bed bottom and top bunk and a sink and a toilet out in the open..I was not going to survive in here. This place is awful!! So as I familiarized myself with the surroundings and made my bed I ask her, "what do we do now?" She said, nothing.." I said how long do we stay in this small cell? She said, " we are on lockdown for 24 hours then we can go to the dayroom for 4 hours to get out and stretch your legs and take a shower". Oh my goodness what in the world will I do! No TV, no computer, no phone, no nothing.. There was a small stack of books that we could read but I didn't read either..
                It was time to come out of our cell's and I didn't really know how I felt about that either because I was going to be around all these other people that was there. So as I walk downstairs it was like at a football game, people were yelling, saying words I have never heard before and just, well being loud! I am thinking this is what I have to live for?  I was hopeless and broken..No friends, no family and nobody. I was on a long road of destruction and then...............